


"i love you."

by 0__lifeless__0



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Flash Fic, Gen, Grief/Mourning, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Lowercase, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Regret, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:33:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28408542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0__lifeless__0/pseuds/0__lifeless__0
Summary: dean's thoughts after the events of season 15 episode 18 'despair'spoilersvery short
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 5





	"i love you."

**Author's Note:**

> this is how i'm choosing to deal with my pain over cass' death  
> (yes i use 'cass' not 'cas'; i prefer the latter but if you look closely at certain shots (texts, calls, metatron's typewriter, etc.) you'll see that cass is the canonical spelling)

“i love you.”  
the words echoed in his mind, playing over and over again. words dean never thought he’d hear, not from anyone. he didn’t deserve love. the things he’d done, the people he’d hurt––he wasn’t worth a place in anyone’s heart.  
especially not castiel’s.  
his mind flashed back to the very first time they met. the observation cass’d made. “you don’t think you deserve to be saved.”  
people weren’t very good at reading him. years of being around john all the time could do that to someone––make them smother their emotions, their trauma, their pain.  
but cass saw everything.  
maybe it was because the angel was just that––an angel, a being who could sense things beyond what humans could. maybe it was because some sort of connection was forged when dean was rescued from hell. or maybe that connection was always there, always meant to be.  
regardless of what it was, what _they _were, what they could've been, he was gone.  
“i love you.”  
it was dean’s fault.  
cass wouldn’t have felt true happiness if it weren’t for dean, and if cass hadn’t felt that then the empty wouldn’t have taken him.  
it was all because of him.  
the sound of glass breaking brought dean’s focus back to the present. shards of the bottle he’d just finished littered the floor, drops of alcohol splattered amongst them.  
drops of blood.  
his eyes flitted to his left shoulder, still brandishing the bloody handprint that accompanied the last time they’d ever see each other.  
“i love you.”  
would it matter if he said it back? would anyone hear?  
cass wouldn’t.  
right?  
he was asleep in the empty, never to wake up again, his eyes forever closed.  
but he was there twice before. and both times he was awake.  
maybe the third would be the same.  
maybe if cass was awake he could hear prayers.  
apologies.  
confessions.  
“i love you.”__

**Author's Note:**

> this hurt me so much to write


End file.
